If Married Men Love Their Wives, Why Do They Cheat?

If Married Men Love Their Wives, Why Do They Cheat?-Questions

I often write about getting past an affair in order to save your marriage and I have a blog where I share my own story of having to do the same. One of the most base comments or questions that I get is "how can men who love their wives cheat? Why do they do this? How can these things happen at the same time, because if he in fact loved me, he wouldn't have cheated." This is a somewhat loaded question, but in this article, I will offer up what I think are the answers because, in my experience, men who have had affairs in fact can and often do still love their wives - they are just incredibly good at separating one thing from another and compartmentalizing - in a way that women often can not.

Questions

Why Married Men Cheat, (Even Though They May Still Love Their Wives): I used to think that affairs were all about sex, a mid life crises, or recapturing a man's youth. I've since learned that this is often not the case. There are some studies which indicate that men overwhelmingly cheat for emotional reasons - and not physical ones.

This means it's not all about hot sex with a pretty young thing - it's about feeling understood, valued, appreciated, and desirable. In truth, men are seeking the same things that we all want. But, the distinction is that men's communication skills are often lacking - so much so that often they don't even know that they are doing this.

Unfortunately, their brain doesn't say to them: "man, I am in fact feeling unappreciated, lonely, and vulnerable. I need to discuss this with my wife and ask for more of her time, affection, and validation." Instead, they just start feeling incredibly dissatisfied and restless, and they don't know why but they want this to stop. Then, unfortunate circumstances and opportunity present themselves to originate the perfect storm. So, more often than not, these set of circumstances work together to place them at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Very often (more than I can tell you) men do not wake up in the morning reasoning "Ok, today's the day that I'm going to have an affair," or "alright, I've decided to cheat on my wife." Rather, it just happens without their stopping for a second to think about it, they get caught up in it, and they deeply regret it later, but unfortunately, can not take it back.

Why The Woman He Cheated With Probably Isn't Prettier, Sexier, Or More Desirable Than You: I can not tell you how often women tell me "I pictured the other woman to be young, cute, sexy, etc., but she isn't these things at all. I'm prettier than her. What in the world does / did he see in this woman?" There is a well known study which indicates that only roughly 10% of married men found the "other woman" more desirable than their wives. Most men know that their wives are better.

So, what in the world is the attraction? The way that she was able to make him feel about himself. Men miss the feeling that they had when the two of you first met. Again, they want the same things we all do - to feel desirable, alive, attractive, appreciated, and understood.

Mistresses are often very skilled at development a husband feel this way and they'll often present themselves in a lighthearted "no strings attached" sort of way that will lure a husband into reasoning that there are no repercussions. But, for husbands who make the mistake or looking this woman more than once, after a while, her horns will show. The "other woman" will often mess up when she begins to make more demands of his time, his attention, and his intentions, forcing a husband to "wake up" and see what a grave mistake he has in fact made.

The Affair Is Over, And I Want To Save My Marriage, But I Just Can't Move On. How Do I Know He Still Loves Me?: I hear this so often. It's so hard for women to believe that the affair can't happen again and that their husband still desires and truly loves them. Many wonder or confidentially fear that he's just putting on a show because he got caught.

Hopefully this description can show that an affair and love for a wife can coexist since men are masters at compartmentalizing, but it's also leading that you get what you need to heal. Make sure that your husband is remorseful, accountable, responsible, reassuring, available, and open to listen to your needs. However, you too have a responsibility to tell what you need from him.

This was very difficult for me personally. On the exterior my husband was doing "everything right," but I was still stuck. One day, I realized that part of the guess I was stuck was because I feared our relationship wasn't "exciting enough," and that I wasn't getting enough spontaneous affection to be reassured. But, I never told my husband this. And, he was afraid of doing these things for fear or appearing pushy or dissatisfied. But, once I told him these things and gave him the "all clear," things improved dramatically.

It's also vital that you give yourself permission to restore and heighten your self esteem. Because if you don't find yourself lovable, sexy and desirable, how can you in fact believe this of your husband? This is what in fact turned the angle for me. I went back to school, worked on my weight, ate healthfully, changed my appearance for the better, dressed more attractively, and fixed some flaws that bothered me and lessened my self esteem. I could not help but consideration further concentration I received from both men and women and, as silly as this sounds, this "proved" to me that I was in fact, desirable and worthwhile. Once I was able to do this, I was able to believe that not only could my husband desire and want me, he was crazy if he didn't - because I was a worthwhile person.

It's very leading that you see yourself as a whole, attractive, and worthy person. When I am honest with myself, I was not at this point before the affair, but luckily, I am there now. You may have been there before, and now just need to return to this place. Or maybe, like me, you were never there. But, in order to in fact move on, you must get there. And, I promise, either you stay married or not, you will happier as a woman once you do.

Understand that one act, by two habitancy (neither of whom was you) does not convert who you are. You are still the person you were before the affair, and you can overcome this and come to be even better, if you chose to do so. Don't let this beat you. Take performance and I promise, you'll find that you are stronger than you think.

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